she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
