I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
