I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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