I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize