In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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