Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he thought i was a dude.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
