So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
