I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
