Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
