I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
