She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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