Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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