I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
