I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
