Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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