i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
