oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
