My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
