I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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