You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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