my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
