she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
