She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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