All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
