is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We are all done wearing pants today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
