they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
