I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We have started to decorate penises.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
