walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
