Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
