You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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