I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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