I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
