My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
