I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
