The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
