he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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