oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize