She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
