Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
