The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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