If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize