he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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