Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
