If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
