i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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