I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
