You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
