woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize