Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
