The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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