Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
