How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
