This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
