is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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