i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
