Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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