why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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