This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
